Revelations

Totally not what I expected,


Well, my paranoia has not gotten any better... at all... hasn't gotten any worse though, which is nice.
Can't wait until Rebecca gets back into town, it's been weird not having her here. I miss her, a lot. Anyways, enough on that. Onto my appointment.

Like I said, totally not what I expected. Turns out Dr. M found some pretty interesting information regarding my whereabouts. And they are not comforting at all... I was reported as... kidnapped... for those 3 weeks... Yeah, kidnapped. I was kidnapped, and they never found a suspect let alone the person that actually kidnapped me. They found nothing... at all... And I thought I was paranoid a few days ago. Yeah I know, obviously nothing fatal happened to me... because I'm still here... but... it just does not sit right at all considering that my family died in the middle of my captivity... and there's another thing...

Dr. M did not only find information regarding to me... but to my sister as well... She was... abducted... in 1994... and wasn't found until 1997... by me... in the woods near our house... She was kidnapped on the way home from school... According to the newspapers we searched for her for months before giving up hope... no evidence was found... just like my case... exactly like my case... The police found absolutely nothing regarding our kidnappers... or kidnapper... I mean I might be crazy to think like that... but... there is just way too many similarities between our cases. I was found in the woods outside near our house as well. 3 weeks later. 3 weeks, 3 years? Same number different length. I'm getting more and more paranoid just typing this. I think this has been enough for tonight, I'll come back to this at a later time, but for now,

-Ishamael

What's in a Name?

Really? What is in a Name? Not much for me.
Now as you all may know, I do not use my real name very often. Especially after recent events, it's not something I want to use, as it brings up the pain and suffering of losing my family, as well as edges on my absolute fear of the unknown. And considering how little I knew of my past up to this point, using Robert Hall just did not sit well with me.

Now onto my chosen screen-name: Ishamael. Now it's not to be confused with Ishmael, Abraham's first son. And since I consider myself to be Atheist, I would not have chosen something from the Bible. But onto the name. Ishamael, although being a main antagonist, is one of my favorite characters from the Wheel of Time book series, something I began reading around the time the first book came out, 1995. He is the only one of the... villains... in the series that turned not for the promise of power, but because he found it more logical to side with the winning power. And although I don't consider myself the one to betray all that I've known, I applaud his logical thinking in turning sides, and not just turning for the greed of absolute power. And I like the name, so that's that.

And Dr. M said it seems to be helping me hold onto some fragments of the past year, so that helps.
Hopefully I'll have more to report on after my session tomorrow.


-Ishamael

Lonely, Paranoid

Well, home alone... Rebecca left town today for week. She's spending time with family. And now for some reason when I'm home alone in my apartment, I get this sense of paranoia... Been happening ever since I learned, or re-learned, about the fate of my family... Dr. M and I are both sure now that part, if not all, of my amnesia is caused by that night. I mean losing your entire family in a single night... Dr. M speculates that is the reason behind my massive memory gap. But back onto the paranoia, it's probably only my mind eff'ing with me.

I think the news has opened a tiny portion of my mind... I can remember that house now...
A very old house, only one I lived in up to that point. That's most of what I remember, I mean I'm not going to describe it on this blog... at least not right now... maybe at a later date. I'm still bugged about the fact that I cannot remember anything at all about Christmas '97... I mean that was my senior year, and I don't remember anything... I couldn't of just been out of town... there would have been something... anything... at a later date to describe where I was... it's not just like the news would just forget about me... but that is what it seems like... The only evidence that I have that indicates that I was actually part of that family was the quote I posted a few days ago... that's it... That's not very comforting... Dr. M said he might have something to discuss with me after my appointment Friday.

Enough on this tonight... I should hopefully have something to say after my session with Dr. M.
Till then,

-Ishamael

Morning Woes

Morning all,

Feeling a lot better today... Woke up on the couch though, back is a little sore...
Rebecca is in the shower right now, it was nice having her here last night. I needed someone to fall apart to... someone who cared...

Dr. M called me this morning, said he thinks he is getting close to some information pertaining to me and my whereabouts that night. He'll let me know more at my session next Monday, if he evens finds anything... I seem to be a ghost during the entire holiday season that year... there is no information regarding me, in anything... It's strange... like I just disappeared for 3 weeks... hopefully he will find something... anything... it's really starting to bug me that i was nowhere to be found at all when my family died.... some of you may still be having doubts that they were my family... but considering the hit I took after Dr. M told me this... I have very high doubts that they weren't...

That's just not something you feel every time you hear about people's deaths... it's not a normal reaction... so regarding that, I know my family is dead... gone... I'm basically here in this world alone...
About those 3 weeks, Rebecca didn't hear from me for the entirety that time... like I said, it was like I just disappeared.

Enough on that for this morning, Rebecca got out of the shower so I need to go get ready for work.
Until later,

-Ishamael

Feeling a Tad Better

I'm back,

Well... sorry about that last post... I wasn't in the right frame of mind per se. But I'm feeling a bit better now.
Rebecca is watching me type this... She got here like 2 hours ago, was nice to have someone to fall apart to... I should probably explain what exactly I found out today. As you all know, the few if any people that are actually following this, I had an appointment with Dr. M today, and he had some 'spectacular news.' Yeah, to him... This 'news' was about my family, he found... found an archived news story and other little tid-bits ... about... the death of 13 individuals on Christmas Eve, 1997.

These 13 people just so happened to to be celebrating when the house promptly caught on fire, killing all occupants. These 13 people... were the entirety of the Hall family... completely wiped out in the fire... 11 bodies were found inside... the other 2 managed to make it out of the house... but died in transit to the hospital due to severe 3rd degree burns and oxygen deficiency. The 2 that made it out were my sister, Paige, and who I'm assuming to be my grand mother, Helga. And according to the news article... no one had any idea on the location of me, Quote: "The whereabouts of the Hall's oldest son, Robert, are currently unknown"

I'm starting to think to far into this for tonight... becoming emotional again. Rebecca is calling me out to the living room... And Dr. M said he'll get back to me if he finds out anything else... So until next time...

-Ishamael

merry f*cking christmas to me

they're dead... all of them, i mean every last one... from cousins to grandparents... all dead.
my hope for finding my family... its gone... i have nothing left... Rebecca is coming over... should help a bit...i just feel so cold... so... alone...

Merry Christmas!

Just a short holiday cheer from me... so you all have fun and be safe.

-Ishamael

Family Matters

That took a tad longer then I expected. Then again I had 2 phone calls instead of one. Dr. M did call me, and had some very... important news to tell me. More on that later. Onto the first call.

So the first phone call was from Rebecca, my friend... or girl-friend... I don't know, I guess I can say we're in a relationship... I find it funny how I haven't mentioned her here before though. She's a very important part of my life and of this whole memory loss, considering that most of what I do remember in that 15 year blank involves her in some way or another. She's been a very integral part of Dr. M's... therapy... I guess you can call it... He believes that since I seem to have a significantly clear memory about her, that maybe she can help me recall the blocked out memories. There's one fault about that plan though, that is that as far as we both remember, she never lived in Illinois, and we met while I was visiting a friend in college out here in California. And at no point does she recall me saying anything about my family or what could have happened to them and I don't remember telling her. Though Dr. M is still adamant about me bringing her to most of my sessions, which I can say I like, I feel more comfortable when she's in the sessions with me. Like i have someone there i know will support me if I need it. Even though Dr. M and I have grown a friendship, it just isn't the same. Enough on that front, I'll get back to that on a later date.

The second phone call was, obviously, Dr. M. I'm absolutely giddy with excitement about what he found, though I'm not sure how healthy that is, so I'll try to tone it back. He found some very pertinent information regarding the house and my past. He found the names of the people that lived in the house I was talking about in the last post. There were 4 names:

 Robert G. Hall, Age 11, That's me.
 Adam R. Hall, my Dad I'm guessing, Age 43.
 Christine W. Hall, my Mom, Age 40.
 And Paige A. Hall, Age 6.

I mean I can't begin to believe what this could mean for this whole... memory thing. I mean maybe he could end up finding this family. My.... my family... now i know that that could be a very good coincidence, but... when I heard those names, they seemed so... familiar... like I've known the names for a very long time... but I couldn't put my finger on it. That... for me, confirmed it. Dr. M was ecstatic that he finally found a solid lead, and told me that he would most likely have more information on my family after my next session, which is Monday. I think that this has been enough excitement for one night... I'll probably be back after Christmas.

-Ishamael

New Insight

Well, the appointment went... better... then I hoped... I guess. Though he said he would look into it after i left to try to find anything more relevant, and call me if he found anything.

I don't know exactly, I'll say that. I guess I was... hoping for more. The "new" information he had was... lack-luster at best, though it could be promising. He found some housing records on a Hall family, though the location is now covered in suburbs. I consider myself someone who doesn't like moving very often, lifting roots doesn't sit well, but the records pointed halfway across the country; Lake Zurich, Illinois. Hell, I couldn't find it on the map when he told me where it was. He found the address from some old Census information... don't ask, no idea how he accessed that data. The weird part of it though is that the census was taken in 1990, but in the 2000 census, there's nothing, no family information regarding that address at all, it just 'poofed' in the 10 years in between, the house is no longer existent.

Oh a phone call, maybe it's Dr. M, I'll post back after I get off the phone if it's anything relevant.


-Ishamael

Some Background

Guess I didn't really explain much if anything about myself in the last post.

My real name is not Ishamael, it's just something that has stuck in the past several months of my life. A little security I've desperately needed, a part of my life that won't just disappear like so much already has.

Over the past few years I've been working closely with my psychiatrist Dr. M. I've been diagnosed with... what the hell was it called... Dissociative Amnesia, you can search up the condition if you want, I've heard the explanation enough lately, and don't feel like re-iterating it. According to him this is one of the worst cases he's seen, with the majority of 15 years gone. I'm 32 now, and I'm missing mostly everything about my life since I was 17. That is the big chunk of memory loss, though I've been periodically suppressing more memories over the past year, something which has abated over the past few months. But more onto what I've suppressed, and what I haven't. I can not remember anything about my family, and it's been confirmed I wasn't an orphan. Dr. M has been trying for the past year now to find any form of lead on my family... my history... but he has yet to find anything solid. That is all I've seemed to block out, I remember basically everything else. College, relationships, friends, jobs... just about everything.

The one main thing is my family, and it's not like i can remember them from my childhood, anything pertaining to them is gone... just... a blank, a fog in my mind. Everything about the Hall family is wiped clean. Oh and as i said before, Ishamael isn't my real name, it's Robert Hall. And no matter what Dr. M has tried, he cant find anything substantial on the Hall family. I mean sure he has found some information: Birth Certificates, Previous Addresses and Phone Numbers, but there has been nothing that has pointed to any clues about my origins. It's very disconcerting, that. Well it's getting late, and considering I have an appointment with Dr. M tomorrow, I should really be getting some sleep. He called me tonight saying he had some information to share with me, so I'll hopefully have more information after tomorrow, so expect something up tomorrow night.

Signing Out.


-Ishamael

Where to begin?

Introductions I guess?

My name is Ishamael, and I made this blog as a sort of... well... don't really know what exactly to call it. I guess it is sort of a way to record my life, just a sort of... I don't know. Maybe just so I can look back at a later date and recall all of the stuff I went through. Well what ever it is, I'll be adding updates as I see fit.

-Ishamael