Rain

Unbelievable rain right now. I guess we kind of needed it though, considering how dry its been lately. But still, it's an epic downpour right now. The rain used to comfort me, but lately it has done more harm than good for me. I just have a very uncomfortable feeling about the rain right now. Helps that Rebecca is here though. Had a nice dinner with her after work. Then she decided to come over for the night. We can't help but just wish for snow. Neither of us like driving in it but for some reason we both want it to just turn into a blizzard out there. Guess we're both crazy or something.

Anyways, got a call today from Dr. M today. Said he was going to be going on a vacation until the 1st of February starting on the 24th this month. I guess it will be nice to have a break from sessions for a while. Maybe get some more time to do stuff that I actually want to do. Car stuff probably. I don't know. Feel like I'm rambling now. So I guess that will be it. Wind just picked up like a mad man. Guess its movie time. Sounds about right.

So, Until next time,

-Ishamael

Computer Problems

I hate computer problems... perfect thing to come back to after a great weekend. Get home and just bango! Computer won't work. I got it all sorted out today but still... it gets on my nerves. I mean its just not very fun when you have to tear apart your computer to try to figure out what happened when you were gone. Gah... enough on that.

The session with Dr. M went well, nothing really of note. Told him about my little entry before. Let's just say he was ecstatic with the results of his new treatment. He was practically tripping over his words the rest of the appointment. He could not wait to treat me again. He's quite curious about what will come up next. Can't say I feel the same though. I'm a little nervous considering how vivid the memory is. About that... over the weekend I actually remembered that instance consciously. It was not fun... at all. The immense depression of witnessing my family's death washed over me in the middle of a store in Tahoe. I collapsed, weeping. Rebecca rushed over to me expecting something really bad... and the entire store was just staring at me. It's not everyday that you see a 32 year old man collapse in tears at the store. So I don't blame them really.

Besides that incident the rest of the weekend was fantastic. It was nice just hanging out with Rebecca for once. No work, no Dr. M, just no worrying at all. Gotta say it was a bit cold though. Not that we weren't expecting that. Packed plenty of layers. And the beaches were practically empty, so we had almost all of them to ourselves. There were a few other crazy people out and about but not very many. That's pretty much it, not much more to say.

Until next time,

-Ishamael

Greatly Confused

Well, the title says it all...

I have no idea what that last post was about, I don't remember typing it out or even posting it. The only way I know that it was me, is that Rebecca was here that night. She said I was basically in a trance-like state while typing it. I wouldn't respond to any direct interaction. I was like that for about an hour. Its not very comforting... at all. I guess Dr. M's treatment sparked something. Didn't help either that I've been jammed at work lately. Haven't had anytime to discuss it with Dr. M. It seems to me that it was a sort of... memory... that bubbled its way to the surface. A memory of the night my family died... of me watching as my house burned to the ground. I don't know what to think... it's crazy to think that I was... forced... to watch that night... and that I wasn't alone that night, that my kidnapper was there with me... and I did nothing... at all.

The next session is planned for Monday. Rebecca and I are heading toward Lake Tahoe this weekend to take some stress off, should be nice. Couple hours of driving to get there though. But it will be good to have some time to relax for once. Time to just have some fun. I'll probably be back Sunday night, might get a post up then, if not it'll be up Monday night. Till then,

-Ishamael

Cold

This Cold Moon blaring high in the sky, rain pouring ever so Cold over my body. I watch with tear-flooded eyes as the Fire rages on through the night. Home, this Home of mine forever gone, all I’ve known, all I’ve loved, gone. This Familiar hand grasps my shoulder, comforting a now lonely soul, I’m wrapped in darkness once more, and we’re gone. One thought floods this broken mind, fills the shattered void; the Cold, oh the Cold.

Not Much New

Just got back from a quick appointment with Dr. M. Not too much to report on. Have another session on Tuesday, though Rebecca won't be able to make it. Which sucks, but oh well. Dr. M said he is going to try a new form a therapy, although he did not tell me what it was, which is another reason I want Rebecca to be there, but she has to stay at work late. Don't feel comfortable going into the unknown by myself, freaks me out.

The session today, like I said, didn't bring too much more to the table, but he did find a little bit of interesting information. It turns out that when I found my sister, she remembered absolutely nothing about the 3 years she was gone, and became distraught to the point where we had to bring her to therapy. Yet I still can not recall any of this happening. It feels so familiar, but I just can't lock down a solid memory of it. I'm in the dark about my own past, which isn't very comforting. Anyways, I should hopefully have more to report on Tuesday, after Dr. M does his mystery treatment to me. Until then,

-Ishamael

Rebecca is Coming Home!

She comes home today!

Rebecca is going to be getting in at the airport in an hour. It's going to be nice to have her back, I've missed her. A lot. The breakthrough Dr. M made has not helped me sleep at night. So it's going to be nice to have someone here again. She's going to be staying here for a few days after she gets back. Have some time to explain what Dr. M found when she was gone. Should help with my paranoia too.

The paranoia has gotten to the point where if I'm lucky I can fall asleep in my own bed. I'm usually stuck out in the living room sleeping on the couch with the T.V. on. It's not fun, and it isn't the paranoia of being watched. I'm just genuinely freaked out about the shadows in my house. And of what the hell happened to me during my 3 week absence. I've started calling it that, makes it easier for me to think about. I've found music helps, so when I'm at my computer I always have something playing, through headphones or speakers, and when I'm sick of my own music library, I've become fixated on listening to this: http://keygenjukebox.com/ Yeah call me a geek, and rightfully so. I am a computer geek. And on that note, I should probably be getting ready. Until next time,

-Ishamael