A bit more calm

Since I’ve had time to sleep on it, and that I am now more calmed down, I think I can explain the incident a little bit better. After leaving work, which must’ve been around 11:30, very close to my house something jumped in front of my car. But after I got out to investigate, there was nothing there, nothing at all. So I go to get back in my car, but that was when I see… it. A block or 2 down the road is this suit wearing freak standing under a street light, just staring at me. And I know last night that I said he looked way too tall, but I think that must’ve just been a trick of the mind. There is no way anything close to human could be that size. It must’ve just been some creep that saw the accident. Regardless, it still spooked the shit out of me. But afterwards, I called Rebecca seeing if I could stay there for a few nights, but she said that she wouldn’t be available and to try Greg. So I did and now I’m here. Obviously. Have to get ready for work, So,

Until Next Time,

-Ishamael

Losing it

I’m freaking out. I have no idea what just happened or what the hell I just fucking saw. It’s not making any sense, and Greg is looking at me like I’m clinically insane. Which I’m not throwing off the table at this point.

Okay, I’ll try to explain: I was on my way home from work after staying late because my boss had some stupid project for me to do. The entire night was fine until I must have been, say, 3 blocks from my place. And that’s when someone stepped out in the middle of the road and I… hit them. Very hard… So I slammed on the brakes and jumped out of the car but… there was no one… nothing at all… just a huge dent on the front of my car, with no evidence to what caused it. That’s when I… when I turned around, still freaking out, to get back in my car and… and standing maybe 100 feet down the road behind me, under this god damned street light… is this… thing… That’s all I can say to explain it. It wasn’t really human looking. At all… It was tall… unnaturally tall. And super thin. And the face… was the most unnerving part… I couldn’t get a good look at it but it just felt so…. Familiar… I don’t know… This is the same feeling I get with anything regarding my past, like something is being dug up. I feel like I imagined it. All of it… but the dent is there… I don’t know… I need sleep…

-Ish

Greg

Well, this weekend was... interesting to say the least. Never thought three people could pull off so much crazy shit and not die. To explain, Rebecca introduced me to Greg Friday. And let me say, he is the incarnation of the small but present dangerous/crazy side of Rebecca. I can definitely tell they are related. So, onto the events of Friday evening: Greg brought us to his favorite club, and told us to not get too drunk, because a hangover would ruin the weekend. Which, I have to agree with him on now. After the very long night at the club, we took a cab to his condo and crashed there for the night. 

Greg woke us up bright and early, at a blaring 5 AM. After our 3 hours of beauty sleep, we were taken far into the "nearby" desert, and after what seemed like an eternity of driving, we finally stopped. And that is when he unveiled just where exactly he was taking us. Rebecca had a huge smile on her face almost the entire time Greg was explaining it. But, needless to say, Greg took us out to his own, self-built desert motocross/trophy truck, crazy factory. This guy is a freaking adrenaline junkie.

 After a whole day of having bat-shit insane fun, we called it a day and Greg brought out the main event. He pulled out a cart filled, to the brim, with fireworks/roman candles. And we had a war. A full on fireworks war. No casualties surprisingly, though Greg thought he broke a rib from a direct hit. Then, after the war, we had our own little fireworks show, which brought back memories from the Fourth. As the night progressed though, I got this nagging sense of dread, like I was being watched constantly. But Greg later made me more comfortable when he showed me his “armory” at his compound. He owns a lot of guns. That’s all that needs to be said. He then continued to show me where we’d be sleeping, and said to be ready bright and early to go blazing through the desert and go shooting for the majority of the day. Which was awesome, considering I’d never shot a firearm before. And we just got back a little over an hour ago. So the weekend was definitely filled with fun. Oh! Want to know the self-appointed name of his compound? FAW-BAK. Which is “Frequently Awesome World-Breaking Action Kompound" Man, this guy is amazing.

-Ishamael

Quick Update

Well Rebecca just called and asked if I was free this weekend, because she wanted to introduce me to Greg, who said he would plan something awesome. Must admit, I am a tad nervous. But Rebecca said not to worry, that I'd love it. So, If I survive,

Until Next Time,

-Ishamael

Happy/Hopeful

Well, Rebecca called me today. Asked me, cheerfully I might add, to go out for coffee/lunch with her. So I did… Obviously... What kind of person do you think I am? Anyways, it was, to say the least, extremely nice. And, as always I just over reacted with the whole no-contact thing. She was just visiting her brother after he had a “sudden medical emergency” which turned out to actually be a façade to get Rebecca and her Family out to his cabin in B.F.E. Where… turns out, there was no cell/anything civilized service. He brought them out there for, what she tells me, a “Kick-ass 50^th Anniversary party” for their parents. And after much partying, they finally got back last night and, after charging her phone, freaked at the sight of all my missed calls and other obsessive ramblings. I thought something had happened to her, so give me a break okay? So she made sure to call me as early as she saw fit. Which would be 8 in the A.M. Through which I almost slept because it was my day off. Glad I didn’t though. So, needless to say, everything between us is fine again. Knew you all were worrying so much… Oh! Forgot to mention that after much inquiry into this quirky thing she calls her brother, Rebecca said she would introduce us soon. He seems like a kick to be around, so I was most definitely intrigued in meeting him. And Rebecca was trying to convince me to start going to my sessions with Dr. M again. Which I may consider doing. And that is about it I guess. So,

Until Next Time,

-Ishamael

Confused

Well, Rebecca is back, for what it's worth. She's still not talking to me. No idea what is going on between me and her. We didn't have that talk that she said we were going to have. She's just been ignoring me basically. But Dr. M called today after I got home from work. He apologized for everything and wants to start up with the sessions again. Not sure that I want to though. Not while Rebecca and I aren't on speaking terms. I don't feel comfortable going without her. I guess I'll just see what happens though. Should all be fine. So, Until next time, whenever that may be


-Ishamael

Feeling Better

Well, as the title says, I'm beginning to feel better, mostly everything is gone except for my god awful cough. Not much has really happened, of any sort of importance, lately. Just was reminded of how boring my life is without work since I've been on sick leave. I mean I really have nothing to do... at all. It's quite pathetic really. It hasn't helped that Rebecca and I haven't really kept in touch since she was here last. So that has made it even more unbearable. She did call me tonight though, just to remind me that she was going to be gone for a few days starting tomorrow. On her way back up to Tahoe with family and stuff. She said that we would talk after she got back though. No idea what for. Making me a little uptight to think about it. I probably shouldn't dwell on it though. It's nothing I bet. So,

Until next time,

-Ishamael

Sick...

Well, even though I said I would post another entry sooner, that obviously didn't happen. To explain why... let's just say I've been pretty sick, with no hint of getting better in sight. I've been having cramps, most parts of my body are in an achy kind of pain, and this cough I have is going to kill me I think. I had the cough since about mid way through Tahoe, but I didn't think much of it at that point in time. Turns out I was wrong since I'm pretty sure it was the start of this wave of crap I've been feeling since the trip. Most food makes me gag, and I've been living on basically only rice the past few days... It's getting really bland to say the least. I've thrown up quite a bit, which also sucks a lot. Anywho, I called Rebecca today and she came over to cook dinner and take care of me tonight. She told me that she noticed my cough after I went on a short little walk by myself through the neighborhood where we were staying. Said I was gone longer then she expected, and when I got back I had the terrible cough.... I don't remember that walk at all... let alone the day she told me it took place on... I just thought the trip felt shorter than I expected, but I had no idea I missed an entire day... well, before I dwell on that too much... I need my rest. Hopefully I can kick this thing before Rebecca forces me to go to the doctor. I hate doctors.

Until then,

-Ishamael

Great Vacation

Well, Rebecca and I got back from our Tahoe getaway today. Must say, it was the greatest time I've had in a long long time. I had some unexplainable mood swings though, no idea why. Definitely wasn't long enough at all. Well I'm tired so I don't feel like typing too much at this time. I'll probably throw a post up tomorrow. So,

Until next time,

-Ishamael

Bored?

I'm really starting to get bad at this whole title thing huh? I just can't seem to come up with a name for every single entry now. Maybe there is something wrong with me... Oh wait! There is. Anyways, I really have nothing to report on. It's amazing just how little there is to talk about when I'm not having any sessions with Dr. M. It's nice in a way. I've been spending huge amounts of time with Rebecca, and thankfully, it has not been focused on my... past. We're hanging out just to hang out. It's really really nice. My mind has been taken off of all the crazy shit that has happened to me recently, something I desperately needed.

Moving on. This weekend, and all next week, Rebecca and I will be spending our time in Tahoe. Something that we've been planning to do for months... well from the months I remember anyways. Since we're leaving this weekend, this entry should be the last one until we get back because I really shouldn't have much to say when I'm up there. So,

Until next time,

-Ishamael

-Here's where the catchy title goes-

Well, Father's day was... actually pretty good. It was nice hanging out with Rebecca and her family. It was just nice being part of an actual family for once... At least that is what they consider me. It' nice. It really is.

Anyways, haven't heard from Dr. M amazingly, don't know if he is waiting or just gave up, though the former seems way too likely. I don't know, he really got me angry with his nonchalant way of regarding Rebecca's worry, and my disappearance nonetheless. I'm not too sure if I'm going to continue working with him. Then again, I really have no idea about other psychologists in the immediate area, which could impede my progress in this... thing. And yet.... I am not even sure if you can call this... progress... nothing big has happened. I still can't remember anything about my family, besides tid-bits here and there that are just solely based on horrible experiences. I'm beginning to feel downtrodden by my own condition. I would just hate to have another period of time lost from my already forgotten life. This mystery of my own life is... getting old... really really old...



-Ishamael

Depressed

Well, Rebecca showed up yesterday. Said she just needed to get away for a few days, needed time to work everything through her head. She apologized for freaking out so bad though. I really don't blame her... at all.

Onto that last post. I.... really have no idea what to think. It's... obviously when my sister got taken. The weird part though is that I didn't go back to Dr. M to finish the session and get his treatment. Guess having to look for Rebecca made something click in my head. I don't know.

But... today is Father's Day. Really wish I had a Dad I can remember, so I could have someone to celebrate. I.... I'm just depressed really. Rebecca invited me to come with her today though. To get me out of the house and out of this mood I'm in. Well,

Until next time,

-Ishamael

Desperation

This Desperation fills my mind, my heart. My sister, gone. Running through these woods, trying Desperately to find her. She was just here minutes ago. Where could she have gone? Did someone Take her? Who would do such a thing? I need to find her. This man, off in the distance, standing, motionless, watching as I fall apart. I scream. Scream in Desperation. My feet start pounding the mud as I run after him. He’s gone, vanished. Alone in this rain soaked forest. In this now terrible world. My sister. Gone.

Explosion

Well Rebecca just stormed out of the session. She got into a screaming match with DR. M after I asked why he wasn't concerned over my whereabouts when I went missing, just exploded. It got pretty heated, and then she just walked out. I tried going after her but Dr. M pulled me back in, saying she'd be back. That she just needed time to cool off. I told him off and went after her anyways. But I'm having trouble finding her, so I may end up going back and seeing if she made her way back as well. We'll see,

-Ishamael

Doubts

Well, Rebecca got here about 30 mins ago. We were talking about the... past 4 months and got onto the subject of why neither she nor Dr. M called the police when they had no idea where I was. Turns out Rebecca suggested that to Dr. M, who immediately turned down the idea. Based on the fact that I was probably just trying to escape from my life, and to not worry about it. I don't like that one bit, and I'll probably bring that up tonight in my session and see what Dr. M has to say for himself.

That wasn't even the only time she raised fear about me being gone. But every single time Dr. M told her to stop worrying about it. That I would turn up eventually. Which obviously rang true given my presence currently. It seems to me though that Dr. M really isn't concerned about me as a person, just me as a patient/mystery. I'm starting to have doubts about my relationship with Dr. M. I think it may be time to find a new psychiatrist. Well, Rebecca just told me to hurry up. So,

Until next time,

-Ishamael

Getting My Bearings

You know how disorienting it is when you wake up one day and can't remember 4 months of your life? It's completely horrible. Especially coupled on the facts of my current condition of amnesia. This loss of time is really starting to get on my nerves. But... sadly... there is nothing I can do about it. At this point in time at least. Enough on that.

Called both Rebecca and Dr. M up today, both were ecstatic to hear from me. Rebecca came over and broke down into tears when she saw me. She was extremely worried about me and it definitely showed in her emotions. I feel so bad, even though I know I could't control what happened. I just hate seeing her like that, it cuts deep. But it shows she truly cares about me, which is something I direly need in this time of my life.

Now Dr. M was... a tad more mellow... and he jumped right back to business. Didn't like that too much but oh well. What am I to do? He scheduled a session for Wednesday night. His last session of the day, which is odd because he has never done that before regarding the fact of if we bring something to the surface. Maybe he's just helping me get my bearings of this routine back. Get me comfortable with him again. He also mentioned he wanted to try his new therapy again. Though this time Rebecca will be there. I really don't have much to say... as is apparent by this post. So, before I bore you guys,

Until next time,

-Ishamael

Total Loss

I... I do not know where to begin. The last I remember is being in Dr. M's office all those months ago in February. Between then and now though... absolutely nothing remains. It's gone... completely gone. The scary part is that neither Rebecca nor Dr. M could get in touch with me during these past 4 months. Yet the people at work remember me being there everyday. I mean if I was there then why couldn't they of just called and asked for me? They both have my work number...

This is really unnerving. It feels just like all of the time I can't remember. Chills race down my spine when I even try to focus on the blank patches of memory. I really hope some sleep helps. I'll get back to this tomorrow,

Until then,

-Ishamael

Rain

Unbelievable rain right now. I guess we kind of needed it though, considering how dry its been lately. But still, it's an epic downpour right now. The rain used to comfort me, but lately it has done more harm than good for me. I just have a very uncomfortable feeling about the rain right now. Helps that Rebecca is here though. Had a nice dinner with her after work. Then she decided to come over for the night. We can't help but just wish for snow. Neither of us like driving in it but for some reason we both want it to just turn into a blizzard out there. Guess we're both crazy or something.

Anyways, got a call today from Dr. M today. Said he was going to be going on a vacation until the 1st of February starting on the 24th this month. I guess it will be nice to have a break from sessions for a while. Maybe get some more time to do stuff that I actually want to do. Car stuff probably. I don't know. Feel like I'm rambling now. So I guess that will be it. Wind just picked up like a mad man. Guess its movie time. Sounds about right.

So, Until next time,

-Ishamael

Computer Problems

I hate computer problems... perfect thing to come back to after a great weekend. Get home and just bango! Computer won't work. I got it all sorted out today but still... it gets on my nerves. I mean its just not very fun when you have to tear apart your computer to try to figure out what happened when you were gone. Gah... enough on that.

The session with Dr. M went well, nothing really of note. Told him about my little entry before. Let's just say he was ecstatic with the results of his new treatment. He was practically tripping over his words the rest of the appointment. He could not wait to treat me again. He's quite curious about what will come up next. Can't say I feel the same though. I'm a little nervous considering how vivid the memory is. About that... over the weekend I actually remembered that instance consciously. It was not fun... at all. The immense depression of witnessing my family's death washed over me in the middle of a store in Tahoe. I collapsed, weeping. Rebecca rushed over to me expecting something really bad... and the entire store was just staring at me. It's not everyday that you see a 32 year old man collapse in tears at the store. So I don't blame them really.

Besides that incident the rest of the weekend was fantastic. It was nice just hanging out with Rebecca for once. No work, no Dr. M, just no worrying at all. Gotta say it was a bit cold though. Not that we weren't expecting that. Packed plenty of layers. And the beaches were practically empty, so we had almost all of them to ourselves. There were a few other crazy people out and about but not very many. That's pretty much it, not much more to say.

Until next time,

-Ishamael

Greatly Confused

Well, the title says it all...

I have no idea what that last post was about, I don't remember typing it out or even posting it. The only way I know that it was me, is that Rebecca was here that night. She said I was basically in a trance-like state while typing it. I wouldn't respond to any direct interaction. I was like that for about an hour. Its not very comforting... at all. I guess Dr. M's treatment sparked something. Didn't help either that I've been jammed at work lately. Haven't had anytime to discuss it with Dr. M. It seems to me that it was a sort of... memory... that bubbled its way to the surface. A memory of the night my family died... of me watching as my house burned to the ground. I don't know what to think... it's crazy to think that I was... forced... to watch that night... and that I wasn't alone that night, that my kidnapper was there with me... and I did nothing... at all.

The next session is planned for Monday. Rebecca and I are heading toward Lake Tahoe this weekend to take some stress off, should be nice. Couple hours of driving to get there though. But it will be good to have some time to relax for once. Time to just have some fun. I'll probably be back Sunday night, might get a post up then, if not it'll be up Monday night. Till then,

-Ishamael

Cold

This Cold Moon blaring high in the sky, rain pouring ever so Cold over my body. I watch with tear-flooded eyes as the Fire rages on through the night. Home, this Home of mine forever gone, all I’ve known, all I’ve loved, gone. This Familiar hand grasps my shoulder, comforting a now lonely soul, I’m wrapped in darkness once more, and we’re gone. One thought floods this broken mind, fills the shattered void; the Cold, oh the Cold.

Not Much New

Just got back from a quick appointment with Dr. M. Not too much to report on. Have another session on Tuesday, though Rebecca won't be able to make it. Which sucks, but oh well. Dr. M said he is going to try a new form a therapy, although he did not tell me what it was, which is another reason I want Rebecca to be there, but she has to stay at work late. Don't feel comfortable going into the unknown by myself, freaks me out.

The session today, like I said, didn't bring too much more to the table, but he did find a little bit of interesting information. It turns out that when I found my sister, she remembered absolutely nothing about the 3 years she was gone, and became distraught to the point where we had to bring her to therapy. Yet I still can not recall any of this happening. It feels so familiar, but I just can't lock down a solid memory of it. I'm in the dark about my own past, which isn't very comforting. Anyways, I should hopefully have more to report on Tuesday, after Dr. M does his mystery treatment to me. Until then,

-Ishamael

Rebecca is Coming Home!

She comes home today!

Rebecca is going to be getting in at the airport in an hour. It's going to be nice to have her back, I've missed her. A lot. The breakthrough Dr. M made has not helped me sleep at night. So it's going to be nice to have someone here again. She's going to be staying here for a few days after she gets back. Have some time to explain what Dr. M found when she was gone. Should help with my paranoia too.

The paranoia has gotten to the point where if I'm lucky I can fall asleep in my own bed. I'm usually stuck out in the living room sleeping on the couch with the T.V. on. It's not fun, and it isn't the paranoia of being watched. I'm just genuinely freaked out about the shadows in my house. And of what the hell happened to me during my 3 week absence. I've started calling it that, makes it easier for me to think about. I've found music helps, so when I'm at my computer I always have something playing, through headphones or speakers, and when I'm sick of my own music library, I've become fixated on listening to this: http://keygenjukebox.com/ Yeah call me a geek, and rightfully so. I am a computer geek. And on that note, I should probably be getting ready. Until next time,

-Ishamael